Thursday, April 27, 2006

Time to go out there and Spork... But, first...


Greetings, Sporkists. The Time has come.

Well, sort of.

Now that you know where the movement and you as an individual stand, it is time for you to leave your computer and go out into the world, and start Sporking.
How?
Firstly, the Three Prophets have decided to refom the Ten Commandments. We are going to be totally honest with you in saying that the original ten were merely spoofs of the Catholic ones. But we are going to have a Beefpie baking day to see what the Beefpie God truly desires. Expect the new ten to come up soon, the definitive and cemented version, so keep checking. It's going to take a lot for us to receive The Beefpie's true will.

After that, the creation of a Spork Society will be underway. You must go out there into the world and implement His will, the will of sensibility and peace. We'll get back to you soon.

Stay tuned.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Forgotten Hiccups


I'm starting to get very, very sick about hearing these Hypocrite Evangelists and Trigger-Happy fundamentalist Muslims talking about 'in the name of God'. As George Carlin so cleverly put it, "more people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason", all for some "Invisible Guy in the Sky". Didn't the idiots consider looking towards a Beefpie? You'd think that would have occurred to them before they went along on their awful crusades, which still astound us of sensibility.

Anyway, here is a classic and my favourite example of a forgotten hiccup. It's heavily shortened and summarised, there's not enough room here for the entire story. This unfortunate event started unfurling way back in 1212, in France. A shepherd boy, Stephen, had requested to see King Philip to deliver an urgent letter, incidentally from the hand of Christ Himself. Christ had evidently told the kid to go preach the Crusade (ha!) but the King thought better of it and told the little tosser to get lost. This was most probably due to the fact that there were numerous preachers running around at the time, preaching a crusade against the Muslims of the East or of Spain or against the heretics of Languedoc - he must have caught wind of it and gotten all inspired.

Regardless of being rejected by Phil, the boy - Stephen was 12, mind you - went on to preach at the abbey of Saint-Denis and announced that he was going to lead an army of kids to rescue Christendom. (At this point, you'd start cracking up. But no. What you do is, bury your face in your hands.) Older people were actually impressed by this psycho's eloquence and endorsed his drive to recruit a Child Army.
A month later, all the recruits - several thousand of them, not one of them over the age of 21 - consisting of both peasants and those of noble birth, accompanied by a few young priests and older pilgrims, started out on foot to Marseilles (Stephen was given a cart and an umbrella. Some of his followers died from sunstroke). They got to the harbour, and were disappointed to see that the sea had not divided before them like it had for Moses, as the kid had prophesised. They nearly kicked his ass, but two merchants offered to hire out vessels - seven of them, free - to take them across the seas. No news was heard from them until 18 years later.

Meanwhile, more kids from the Rhineland heard about Stephen, and lo and behold, ze Germans were not to be left out of this great divine deal. Everyone wanted in on the action, only with a German touch, insisting to non-believers that children could do way better than adults at warfare. This just keeps getting better and better, doesn't it? Also, Germans were on an average slightly older than the Frenchies and they were more chicks with them. There was also a larger number of boys of the nobility, and a number of "disreputable vagabonds" and hookers. They planned to recapture the Holy Land through conversion, though, unlike the bloodthirsty French.

The Germans, however, were obstructed. Disillusioned by the sea not parting for them (I know, I know, just keep reading, it gets worse) some of them accepted the Genoan authorities' offers to become permanent residents. Many families there today claim to be the end product of this alien immigration. Then, at Pisa, two ships agreed to take several kids on. No one ever heard of them again. Nicholas, who led the Germans, trudged on to Rome, where he was greeted my Pope Innocent. The Pope was stoked at their determination, but quite ruffled about the sheer stupidity, and persuaded them to return home.

Got to pause to laugh here.
Okay, done.

When they returned, several outraged parents, whose kids had perished, demanded the arrest of Nicholas' father, who egged him on. So he was hanged. Some of the kids that had actually crawled all the way back home and survived the journey were attacked, beaten, and murdered for having failed in their faith, as the chroniclers report it.

Much, much later in 1230, one of the Priests who had survived the French party returned to Marseilles and told their story. This is the juicy bit. Two of the ships were wrecked on the island of San Pietro, off the south-west corner of Sardinia, and all the passengers were drowned. The five ships that survived the storm found themselves soon afterwards surrounded by a Saracen squadron from Africa; and the passengers, to their utter horror and dismay, learned that they had been brought there by arrangement, to be sold into captivity. Others, the young priest among them, were shipped on to Egypt, where Frankish slaves fetched a better price. When they arrived at Alexandria the greater part of the consignment was bought by the governor, to work on his estates. According to the priest there were still about seven hundred of them living. A small company was taken to the slave-markets of Baghdad; and there eighteen of them were martyred for refusing to accept Islam.

More fortunate were the young priests and the few others that were literate. The governor of Egypt, al-Adil's son al-Kamil, was interested in Western languages and letters. He bought them and kept them with him as interpreters, teachers and secretaries, and made no attempt to convert them to his faith. They stayed on in Cairo in a comfortable captivity; and eventually this one priest was released and allowed to return to France. He told the questioning parents of his comrades all that he knew, then disappeared into obscurity. A later story identified the two wicked merchants of Marseilles with two merchants who were hanged a few years afterwards for attempting to kidnap the Emperor Frederick on behalf of the Saracens, thus making them in the end pay the penalty for their crimes.

But what about the greater crimes involved? Why did the government/authorities let these kids go? Did they sincerely believe that they were actually going to reach the Holy Land and fight? Absolute insanity. I can't believe that people have forgotten all about this. And religion and government still do things like this. Bush keeps saying he listens to God: are we to understand, then, that God wants to nuke Iraq and Iran? God wants democracy by killing hundreds and grabbing some oil at the same time, and Allah calls for the destruction of the west.

Why isn't anyone listening to Beefpies?

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

In Reply to the Fluffy Bunny Man


This is in reply to a post made on a blog belonging to a gentleman who likes Fluffy Bunnies, all about Spork. (That's not him, just a very alarming picture I stumbled upon. Hope it's not real.) Very nice of him to spread the word, but I would encourage you to post comments here, even if they are criticisms. But if you're just going to praise and kiss the Crust of the Beefpie God, do it here and on your blog.

Anyway, in Spork's defence: I am fully aware that the universe is a big place. I don't need to point it out to you that we are nothing but specks of dust in the cosmic scale of things. I feel that the establishments that have guided us to where we are now have truly and sincerely made things quite irrevocable and irreversible. Spork is an attempt to break the timeline and bring us to a peaceful standstill, where we can make a decent departure from earth as its most intelligent species, without nuking each other into oblivion.

Trust me when I say that those who follow this religion are rabbits who share your vision of a peaceful Valhalla. The thing is, to get there, we are going to have to transcend a number of things. The concept of an establishment will be destroyed. This is the establishment to destroy all establishments for all time, the 'war to end all wars' as so to speak. All that will be left after this revolution will be you, and a whole lot of time for yourself. A whole lot.

The gentleman also said: "It's a failing of mine that I can't map out the route from Blair's dreary little den of greasy corruption towards the grassy meadow where rabbits write poetry and drink elderflower wine." How true. See the previous post on this website. Spork calls for active involvement. You have to go out there and carry out the will of the Beefpie God. (Which will be revealed soon, I'm still waiting for It to get back to me on that one.) This gentleman is quite honest in recognising this fundamental flaw of laziness that inhibits change.

The World can be a better place. Don't lose heart now, please. You just have to make the effort to fulfil the Beefpie God's will.

Stay Tuned.

What difference do you actually make?

In today's 'liberated' societies, the average educated individual tends to thank his/her lucky stars that he/she was fortunate enough to receive a decent education and is 'aware' of the world and its misgivings around him/her. You do tend to think that this alone is a difference - and then you're comfortable with that fact alone. You go on watching independent movies, listening to music that diverts from mainstream radio and you promote teen sex (regardless of your age). And then, whoops, you're dead. Maybe this post-liberation generation wouldn't marry, maybe you'll adopt and have a 'life-partner' or whatever it is, and then die. What difference did you make, even after appearing to have cared about Bush's neo-totalitarianism and the autocracy of radio in bad music? You just applied it to your personality and made friends who had similar personalities. That's fine, it's just that you're not sweating enough. You need to get involved. You need to do some Spork. You need to join this struggle. The Beefpie God told me to tell you this after a horrifying nightmare I received detailing the future of humanity if none of us made a difference. It said that he'd issue directives concerning what we exactly have to do as well, so stay tuned.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

What Spork offers that other Religions don't




  1. The fact that this religion is merely a month old, and that it has a significant lack of history means that we have no grudges, no unfortunate histories of crusades and jihads. We are friendly to all.
  2. This religion is not based on the thoughts of a group of people who died years and years ago. It is based on the thoughts of people who you can actually interact with and ask questions, rather than being told by 'representatives' who may modify the original thought to serve political and financial means (e.g.- God needs twenty dollars from you today.) We are against the organisations, the church, and not your God.
  3. This religion does not and will not question your faith. You can believe in anything you want to. We recognise that your faith is a private thing, and that a relationship with God can only be controlled by you and you only, without the interference of a third party. You don't even have to believe in the all-mighty Beefpie God. Freedom of Faith, Freedom from Religion.
  4. This religion is not outdated like all the others. Whereas most of the mainstream organised religions were established to formulate a means of control on society, they prevail today for a range of different reasons - politics, unflinching refusals to turn to reason, and the ever-tampering spectre of tradition.
  5. We can openly say that you won't see any miracles here. We are quite down-to-earth. I mean, when was the last time you saw a miracle performed by a 'representative' of God? The last miracle I saw was that a Pastor's name at a collaborator's local church was 'Delicious'. No, really.
  6. There is no spooky language designed to scare you here. No 'limbo' for people who were good all their lives and yet didn't believe in God, making them heathens. No 'sabbath' (sabbath day is everyday here!). No fatwa. No jihad.
  7. Our notional 'shepherd' is more inviting and attractive than those of other faiths. I mean, you'd have to agree that a Beefpie looks way better than Pope Ratzinger's face. (See above right.)

More coming soon. Stay tuned.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Revision of Heathen Scum List


The Heathen Scum List has been withdrawn for serious revision.

While the Prophets and collaborators are busy revising the list, we welcome any suggestions of people/groups that you want to see on that list. Please also give us your reasons.

Stay tuned.

The picture on the right, by the way, is real. Click it to visit the source, and watch the video.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Some Clarifications

Firstly, thank you all for your feedback, and I'm looking forward for more.

This is mostly in reply to the biggest comment we've received so far, by someone who goes by the name of manena. He/she said, "I will not fire your ammunition with intention to hurt rather than educate". Fair enough. It must be made clear that I disapprove of religions, but not those who follow it. I want to rescue these people, save them. If we eradicate absolutely everyone, what world will be left? It undermines the concept of freedom that I am trying to realise.

This is also not a religion that "stems from hate". I used a few abrasive words a few posts ago; but to clarify, this is a religion that has stemmed from frustration, and a drive to liberate. I do not wish to create a "cult of intellectual snobs either". There is no discrimination here. This is for everyone. There is no select market. We must understand everyone's views, and then find a way of sifting through them.

Oprah lovers and Bush voters are welcome here. I do not hate them, merely the idols they follow. We have to make everyone understand. Our purity will prevail. Human evolution will be at hand.

Stay tuned.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Ah, THERE'S thy Feedback!

Thanks to Rug, Danielle and Ras for sending some Feedback in. I urge you to spread the link to this site around, so we can get some more exposure. Ask all the questions you want, there will be discussions initiated.

I have recently also introduced a young artist and musician by the name of Asvajit, from South Asia, to the world of Spork. He was very impressed and enthusiastic, and agreed to supply the movement with some thematic art - even more to look forward to. You can view his work at asvajit.blogspot.com. The embryonic stage of this religion is proceeding well.

Thanks.
There is no God, except for that of the Beefpie.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Where is thy Feedback?

Movements do not function without support from the masses.

I am not asking for your support at this point in time, merely some feedback. I want to know if people are interested, if there is a market for this movement to liberate mankind.

Please feel free to leave your comments. More coming soon.

Stay tuned.
The Prophet

Sunday, April 16, 2006

The Beefpie God and the Ten Commandments of Spork

The Beefpie God

Spork, unlike most mainstream religions, does not have a God that has willingly given us any directives.

Who, you ask, is the afore mentioned Beefpie God?

Shortly after the Three Prophets of Spork conversed and visualized the answer to humanity's plight, it became apparent that some sort of spiritual and supernatural force was trying to make its acknowledgement of our religion - in the form of Beefpies.

Everytime any of the Prophets look at a Beefpie, we receive a kind of subliminal mental message, often as a series of images or thoughts, as if they are echoes of some cosmic voice. I myself have seen visions of a green, lush, wholesome earth, with no wars or disease, with people relaxing in meadows, watching the sun rise. All this while staring at the Beefpie.

Perhaps you should start listening to beefpies. Maybe this strange cosmic force is trying to tell us something. Maybe it's acknowledging its support for us.

The Ten Commandments of Spork

1. The Beefpie God is the only God that is thy Lord.

2. Thou may take this Lord's name in vain all you like, nothing's going to happen.

3. Make EVERYDAY Sabbath day.

4. Honour no one except those who truly deserve it.

5. Thou shalt wage a war against the Heathen Scum.

6. Thou shalt spreadeth the loveth.

7. Thou shalt steal from he Heathen Scum in order to defeat them.

8. Bear false witness against all Heathen Scum, and whenever else necessary. Undermine the legal system.

9. Covet all the wives you like. What are your chances, realistically speaking?

10. Inspect thy neighbour's property. Judge how unnecessary it is, and then make anarchist purchases to destroy him.

Essential Spork



Time to stop beating around Bush.

Finally, I will deliver a simplified version of what Spork is, and what it entails.

Spork is a new-age religion, similar to Scientology (only in terms of its recent emergence). It focuses not on outdated idols and legends, but on the world today and how to pierce through the Cobwebs of Chaos that has been imposed upon humans by humans themselves. It seeks to rid the world of these constraints once and for all, so humans can achieve what they were meant to in the beginning. The ultimate goal is to achieve the Supreme Human Being - one that is totally free from the materialistic chains of the Consumer World, one that is free from being a complete animal, one that embraces what makes us human.

That is our Holy Mission. We wish to achieve total peace on earth, so the truth may be found in a comfortable and non-threatening environment.

The means by which we shall achieve this shall be soon revealed.

Stay tuned.

The Prophet

Bastards in Power


There are a few more things I want to state before I get down to expounding this religion.
One thing the generations of today have to be thankful for, I suppose, is the gentleman on the right, George. Of course, George isn't exactly the first of his kind. There were countless numbers of Evil and Brainless Despots before him, a majority of politicians to rule world powers. Why must we be thankful? George's presidency happens to be unprecedented in terms of... Well, stupidity. His administration blatantly uses him as a puppet to achieve the ends of big business and consumer industries alike. And due to this shameless puppetry, we are lucky enough to witness some of the finest protest movements around today, very aware of what's going on. These groups help motivate everyone, particularly young people, to go make a difference. See the links on the right hand side of this page for more information.
Stay Tuned.

The World Today and Spork

Spork is a reaction, a child born of hatred, pain, suffering and the rape and abuse of Free Will. Every day, a child is born into poverty, and will grow up facing the unfair difficulties that none of us are lucky enough to face. These children will most likely never know any other life. Yet this planet is more than equipped to feed the hungry three times over - but the money is spent on nuclear weapons and armaments.

An animal alpha-male sentiment that some humans are unfortunate enough to carry with them seems to control politics. Politicians control the lives of hundreds and thousands of people. Their policies, however, are concerned with how they can manage to appear strong and right. It is these cretins who rule the planet. They only help aggravate the infection that is mankind.

Look around you. The newspapers report sick obscenities every day, without fail. Prejudice and discrimination is still prevalent, sentiments from hundreds of years ago.

Spork is a new religion that is designed to combat these vices and oppression, and make us what we really are - humans. Our lifestyles are designed essentially to reduce us to animals. The consumer world wants you to consume. Television wants you to look desirable according to what's fashionable. The only philosophy that the average man in the street holds now is one that drives his system to the next meal, nutritional and sexual.

The consumer system has turned everyone into mere pawns and robots. We are all controlled by arbitary forces. We are no longer 'free'. Hypocrites and Bastards run this planet. Something must be done.

Spork is something. The Prophets of Spork hope that this movement will be embraced, not as the one true philosophy, but as the philosophy and religion that will help mankind move into the next phase of existence, by obstructing and destroying the controls that make us what we are today.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Welcome to Spork.

The time has come, brethren.

Mankind has become a rash, an infection that has convulsed and bloomed as a result of Free Will abused. War, disease, rape, murder, corporate monopolies and 50 Cent are the prime products of what is supposed to be Earth's most intelligent product. In a world where children are bombed on their way to school by men they don't even know from halfway across the planet, an answer is sought feverishly.

This is that answer.

People have turned to God - He's not listening, He's dead, or He's lost interest. People have turned to reason and logic, and have been criticised and cut off by a swiftly evolving draconian society. Where are the answers in this harsh, chaotic and unfair world?

Right here. Look no further.

In the following months, Spork will deliver all the answers you need. There will be no more suffering, no more whining, no more pathetic stagnation from a consumer-driven society. If you are looking for complete social and spiritual salvation and absolution, you came to the right place.

Stay tuned.

The Prophet